already thought that he would not answer at all.
Then he slowly turned to me, and for the first time in years, I saw hope in his eyes again.
“What if there is a boy this time?”
I smiled.
I also wanted to see him happy.
And, perhaps, at that time I had already forgotten about my own fears, fatigue and all the pain that my body went through.
I thought about only one thing.
If this child turns out to be a boy, maybe Michael will finally return to
our house, not only in body, but also in soul.
A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant.
This news changed our home.
Within a few months, Michael seemed to have become a completely different person.
He began to return home earlier.
He played with girls.
Sometimes he even came to the kitchen to help me, asked what I wanted to eat, if I was tired and if anything hurt.
I saw him smile furtively every time he talked about the future.
He pondered names.
He said
that if a boy is born, we should name him after his grandfather.
The girls were also delighted.
They did not understand adult experiences.
They knew only one thing: soon another baby would appear in our family.
But then came the day when the doctor had to tell us the sex of the baby.
I will never forget the silence in that office.
White walls.
Doctor’s smile.
Cold, uniform sound.
And Michael’s hand gripping mine tightly.
The doctor smiled and said:
“Congratulations… You will have a girl.
It seemed that
at that moment everything around him stopped.
I immediately looked at Michael.
He just nodded.
Not a word.
No smile.
No reaction.
Only his hand, which slowly let go of mine.
That day we drove home almost silently.
In the car, I listened to his breath and understood that he was trying to suppress something in himself.
Maybe pain.
Perhaps a disappointment.
Perhaps another shattered hope.
In the days that followed, he became more silent than ever before.
I saw his pain.
I saw his shattered dream.
He didn’t say
anything, but his silence choked me more and more every day.
When the girls talked about their future sister, he smiled, but avoided my gaze.
And one night I decided.
A decision the memory of which scares me to this day.
All day I walked around the house with my hand on my stomach.
I could feel the baby stirring inside me, but at the same time, Michael’s silence echoed in my head.
It seemed to me as if this child had already brought pain to our family before he
