I locked the door behind me, and she kept rolling for another moment. “You said you wanted to talk,” she said, without looking up immediately. I told her I had figured something out, and she finally rested both hands on the rolling pin. When I admitted that Noah and Ben had helped, her mouth twitched and she called it a committee, giving me one small chance to breathe before the conversation became difficult.
“I’m not embarrassed to be your boyfriend,” I said. Maya watched me, and I made myself continue while her expression was still guarded. “I’m scared of how much I want to be your boyfriend.” The rolling pin went still beneath her palms, and for once I didn’t rush to make the admission sound less serious than it was.
I told her the friendship had felt safe because I understood my place in it. I knew how to be useful, how to show up, how to make her laugh, and how to leave before I had asked for anything I might be refused. Now I had everything I used to tell myself I shouldn’t want, and part of me kept looking for an emergency exit instead of allowing myself to be happy. It wasn’t because she had given me a reason to doubt her; it was because I wanted a guarantee no person could give.
