Part 2: The Life I Thought I Had Lost
Eighteen years earlier, I was twenty-nine and preparing to become a husband and a father.
Rebecca—Becca to everyone who loved her—was thirty-six weeks pregnant.
We had painted our daughter’s nursery pale yellow because Becca said pink was too predictable. She had chosen white curtains with tiny embroidered stars and spent an entire afternoon arranging stuffed animals on a shelf.
I complained that no baby needed eleven stuffed rabbits.
Becca kissed my cheek and told me I knew nothing about babies.
She was right.
I knew nothing about the tiny socks folded inside the dresser or the different types of bottles lined up beside the sink. I had spent weeks pretending I understood car seats while secretly reading the instruction manual every night.
But I knew I loved Becca.
And I already loved our daughter.
We had decided to name her Lucy.
Then, on a rainy Tuesday afternoon, a delivery truck lost control on a wet highway.
Becca’s car was caught in the collision.
By the time I reached the hospital, everything that had once seemed permanent was gone.
Becca was gone.
Lucy was gone.
The doctors spoke gently, but I barely heard them. I remember signing papers without understanding what they said. I remember Becca’s mother collapsing into my arms. I remember returning home and standing in the pale-yellow nursery with one hand gripping the empty crib.
For several weeks, I moved through life without truly living it.
I stopped answering my phone.
I stopped opening the curtains.
Food spoiled in my refrigerator because I rarely remembered to eat.
My best friend, Mark Ellison, tried to help, but grief had turned me into someone who pushed everyone away.
Finally, one Friday morning, he walked into my house using the spare key I had forgotten he owned.
He looked at the unopened mail, the dark rooms, and the untouched plates people had left on my porch.
Then he went upstairs, packed some of my clothes into a duffel bag, and carried it outside.
“What are you doing?” I demanded.
“Saving what’s left of my best friend.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Mark—”
“If I leave you alone in this house another day, you’re going to disappear into this grief.”
I was too exhausted to argue.
He drove us three states away to Cape Haven, North Carolina, a quiet coastal town Becca had loved.
I had been there with her once.
I didn’t know then that she had another connection to that place—one she had never had the chance to explain.
