The question was easier this time because I had learned to hate false comfort.
“Yes,” I said. “But I have another visit scheduled if Maya says it’s okay.”
“When?”
“Next Thursday.”
She looked at Maya.
Maya nodded. “That’s the plan.”
Owen whispered, “Plans change.”
I looked at him.
“They can,” I said. “So when they do, grown-ups should explain why.”
His eyes searched my face.
“You’ll explain?”
“Yes.”
He nodded once, as if filing that away under things that might become true.
Weeks passed.
I rearranged my life in ways that made board members nervous.
I declined flights.
Moved meetings.
Delegated negotiations I would once have controlled personally.
Learned the difference between washable and unwashable markers.
Discovered that children considered bandages with cartoon animals medically superior.
Found out Lily hated peas but liked snow peas, which made no sense until she explained that regular peas were “too round.”
Owen tested every boundary like a scientist.
If I said we had ten minutes left at a visit, he asked whether that meant ten big minutes or ten small minutes.
If I said he could choose one snack, he asked whether a snack bag containing multiple crackers counted as one snack or many.
If I said I would be there Thursday, he asked at every visit, “Even if it rains?”
“Yes.”
“Even if your car breaks?”
“I’ll take another.”
“Even if you forget?”
“I won’t.”
Adults had taught him promises could evaporate.
He was making me prove mine had weight.
Lily was different.
She helped.
Too much.
She cleaned up toys before anyone asked. She thanked people for water. She apologized when Owen got upset, when crayons broke, when doors closed too loudly.
One afternoon, she spilled half a cup of apple juice on the table and went white.
“I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”
I reached for napkins. “Lily.”
Her hands shook.
“It was an accident,” I said.
“I can clean it.”
“I know. We’ll clean it together.”
She stared at the juice spreading across the table like it was evidence against her.
My voice lowered. “Look at me.”
Slowly, she did.
